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cerealmonster15 · 4 days ago

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i'm not really into making new years resolutions, mostly bc i know the way that i am and that my attention span flutters around and i tend to cycle through interests in phases that come and go at random, but i do think it would be nice to give instrument practice a try again since i have SEVERAL and only really learned the basics on some. plus my partner has others ive never learned. it would be nice if i would actually take time to learn something to the point i could do something with it lol.

instruments, and also languages again. but specifically refining what i know of spanish. a few years ago, i'd hit the point where i wasnt quite bilingual, but i was somewhat close to that mark. i could practice talking to my dad [spanish is his first language] on the phone and hold decent conversations, and i'd gone with a few of my classmates in high school one summer on a sort of exchanged program we had with a school in spain for a few weeks, and i could fumble my way through conversations with my host family parents who didn't really speak english. [it was a bilingual school so the students def knew english better than we knew spanish lol but i still learned a bit and it was really fun]

but u know what they say... use it or lose it... i've gotten rusty for sure 😔 i took spanish in middle/high school for like five years? up to ap spanish senior year, which our teacher said youre essentially fluent by then, plus in elementary school we always had basic spanish classes. i was going to try and minor in spanish in college, but i was kind of overloading myself that first year and was also STRUGGLING to keep up with the reading for spanish class. i already am a slow reader just in general [i would also struggle to keep up with reading assignments in english classes so it was extra hard in a language i was still trying to grasp] so i ended up dropping the minor pretty quickly after i'd had i think the semester requirement. i was bummed, but i needed to keep my head afloat with what i could handle.

but then i really wasnt using it as much. my dad's pretty much the only person in my life that's a spanish speaker - he and his whole family are bilingual, but i'm not very close to his side of the family and theyre spread out all over the place anyway. my dad and i also have a complicated realtionship sometimes lol but also over time we stopped speaking in spanish as much. fairly recently when he called me he started speaking in spanish, and i was like, in the middle of something when he called me and not really in the mood to talk anyway, plus i just couldnt hear him well on the phone lol so i was like ??? and he just kinda laughed and was like ohhh youve lost it, you dont remember 😌 and ive been in kind of an internal crisis since then lol

my parter also said the other night there was a family outside that asked him for directions but they only spoke spanish so he kinda had to fumble his way through it, and he was like "you probably woudlve done better" cause while we both learned some degree of spanish and have a mixed latino family background, i learned and used it a bit more for a time. but tbh i dont think i wouldve been able to help!!! bc ive forgotten a lot!!! it's one of those things where like i think i could probably recall a lot once i had it refreshed, but pulling from memory is like... dial tone.... and also the social anxiety is a major thing. like i always really wanted to reach the bilingual state because i do like that part of my culture, and i know a lot of my family on my dad's side grew up bilingual but i didnt really because blah blah parents divorced whatever it's complicated lol. but i wanted to keep that connection to the family culture and also just because i think it's good for people to learn multiple languages [i know other countries seem to be better at this at a base level, but here in the US it's not as much of a standard]

but i'm really bad at like, all the things you need to learn a language, even in my native english state. i'm slow at reading. i get distracted. i dont have great listening comprehension if i cant hear you perfectly clearly or there are overlapping sounds. i have social anxiety and often avoid talking to people.

you gotta read to learn. you gotta hear words to learn. you gotta have conversations to practice. ive met bilingual people whose native language is spanish and theyd always be nice and be like "oh you can always practice with me sometime!" and id be like ahahhahfhsd i will die if i do that. because im scared at being bad or really embarrassed at how much ive forgotten. so like i had chances and wouldnt use it lol. my own fault for not being proactive =_=

a few weeks ago i did once again try that method of like, playing video game in target language. i switched my animal crossing new leaf game to spanish and made a new character. that was fun, tho it also was a lot of reading and a mix of me trying to get the gist of what they were saying and having to pause and look up words if there were too many i didnt know. i think i had that same issue when i did it a while back with city folk lol it was just kinda overwhelming for me at the time and messed with the FLOW. but i think i also tried that back in high school so i think i could do a lil better now, but still.... slow.

i also was doing duolingo again for a while, but i'd heard they started using AI in their lessons and i really didnt want that to potentially have me learning things wrong without realizing based on the things i heard people saying about shit they were finding in their lessons. but ive never tried any of the other language learning app or whatever tho so i kinda just came to a halt after that. which sucks!!! because it was at least keeping me lightly practicing!!! i was learning a lil portuguese that way too for capoeira since we were doing songs and it helped that i knew spanish, but for now i think i'd be nice to just focus on one lol.

#BLAH BLAH BLAH me and my mixed fam background identity crisis lol. tldr i want to be more intentional about practicing spanish #probably WOULD be better if i could get myself to practice with people lol #and music i just dont know lol i gotta do more soul searching and thinking of how to narrow that down #i dont have concrete goals with that one besides 'would be fun' so that never gets me very far . alas.

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casuallivi · 2 years ago

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The Midnight Kiss

from a thoughtful elriel piece, to this silly fest. Me in a nutshell. sorry guys, I could not find a movie reference for this one nailing the date pace killed me, I wanted to be organic, but not boring, but comical, but not too much, and here comes cass/mor screams into the void so here's a pretty pic of breadticks 😬

Enjoy. Comments are welcomed and cherished :)

Part 5: Not the girl you are used to

“No.”

“Yes.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“No.”

“Do you honestly believe you can trick me into saying yes?”

Cassian grinned like an idiot, thumb swiftly skating on his phone keyboard, texting God knows who. “You used to fall for that.”

One would think he wasn’t so interest in the conversation, but Azriel knew his brother, could read the tension on his unstoppable tapping feet, the nervous twirl of the watch on his wrist, the childish attempt to beat him by exhaustion. Azriel ignored him. Cass could try all he wanted, but he was not agreeing to this insanity.

Tablet perched on his knee, he continued to work through a selection of garment choices for the winner of the Revelation Designer Award to choose from.

You see, Azriel didn’t believe in unpredictable events, because that would mean he wasn’t prepared for the “incident” happening, and Azriel was always prepared. In order to be ready, he spent a copious amount of time building back-up plans, which had proven to came in had along the years. His, wasn’t the least stressful way of managing a department, but sure was an efficient one. Needless to say he had nearly to none free time. Cassian, on the other hand, seemed to have a lot to spare, deciding to dedicate a part of his day into trying to annoy Azriel to submission.

Azriel had no interested in satisfying his brother’s current itch. A cunning, blond haired itch, who he also had no intention of getting involved with anymore. That’s why he was using this meaningless reunion - more of a one-on-one with his brother - to look through the strongest candidates’ portfolios, selecting D-Day outfits.

“Come one man, you are not thinking this straight. She’s the hottest model these days, runway elite.” Cassian moved forward, pushing a video of Morrigan in Azriel’s face, braving her latest runway in goddamn lacy red lingerie. Her color. Nope, do not go there. “She’ll be a good addition to our catalog.”

Azriel averted his eyes, crossing a giant ‘X’ in the current dress with a little more strength than necessary, the pen scratching the glass. Nope. He’d not be looking either.

“Hiring her for a sporadic shoot is doable, signing an exclusivity contract is dumb, a waste of money. She’s a runaway model, we’d have to compensate her that, pay her contract breaching, pay her even when she’s not working. You are the money man Cass, you know is not worth it.”

“She’s so fucking hot, tho. Trust me when I say she’ll raise our sales. Who wouldn’t want to see a hot girl getting delivery to their home monthly? Hell, I’d sign our magazine.”

"You don't sign our magazine?"

"Why would I sign our magazine?"

Azriel rubbed his forehead, the familiar pressure of a stress-induced headache making itself know.

That’s why his brother managed the money, not the people. The only people he got involved with, were the ones with an ass he was interested in tapping. And that is why he was pushing Azriel to sign an exclusivity contract with Morringan, as if they were a fucking model agency. Cassian might have the CEO position, but thankfully their grandfather left them the same amount of shares. Over his dead body he’d bring Morrigan closer.

“Marinos isn’t about hotness. We are a fashion magazine, Cass. A collection doesn’t sell itself simply by being clothes, is all about how we display them, the ambience, the models. It’s an art of luring the public into seeing themselves in the pages. We have to be diverse, keep it fresh.

“She is fresh!” Cassian argued, leaving his phone on the small table between them, tapping aggressively on the screen, the video rolling. “Look at her. She approaching that milf zone which makes her extra bangable to horny teens.” He held his hands up, palms flat in the air, making the universal sign of a balance. “They enhance their spank bank; we double our sales. It’s a win-win.”

Azriel slapped his brother’s phone face down, his disdain palpable. How Cass could address to someone, who he claimed to be in a serious relationship with, in such a way, was beyond him.

“You are disgusting. And she doesn’t have kids.”

Cassian laughed. “You don’t need kids to be a milf, baby bro,” he enunciated the words as if Azriel was slow. “You only need to be past a women’s prime, which we all know is in her twenties, and still be freakishly hot. Have you seen Mor? Check and check. We like to pretend they are a hot mom without the burden of a bastard running around.” Cassian winked, taking his phone. “Besides, Mor won’t be working much longer. I counting on you to help me make her retirement transition easier.”

Azriel stiffed on his chair.

Morrigan was doing what?

Bubbling laughter erupted from him, tears sliding down the corners of his eyes. Cassian stared at him as if he was insane. My god, he didn't laugh like this in ages. Morrigan would never retire, she loved her job more than life itself. That girl would probably die in a runway, her stone-cold heart finishing its complete transition into a block of ice.

"Are you having a stroke?" Cassin asked, confused.

“Did she tell you that? Did she say she was retiring?”

“She doesn’t have to tell everything, baby bro. Her man knowns.” Her man thought he leashed the untamable Morrigan. Her man knew shit. “She’s turning 34 soon,” Azriel knew that already, they were the same age, “it’s time.”

"Time for what?"

"For her retirement."

“You are so full of shit. Morrigan won't retire, she loves her job.” It’s the only thing she loves. “She won’t quit. She’ll never quit.”

Cassian slouched on the chair, spreading his legs to assert dominance.

“You are full of opinions about Mor today.”

“We were childhood friends. I believe I can judge her inability to drop her career for a man.”

The brothers have met Morrigan when they first moved to America to live with their grandparents. Their grandma quickly pairing Mor and Azriel in the same classes and extracurricular activities. Cassian was around too, but didn’t had much interest for the younger girl in pigtails running around with his brother. She sure had his attention now, wheater she liked it or not.

“Trust me, Mor is settling down. She has a man now, a provider, no need to tire herself crossing the globe all year long. Don’t give me that face. I’m telling you how man thinks.”

“I am a man.” Azriel stressed.

“You are, aren’t you. For a second there I had my doubts.” Cassian mused, remembering how he caught his brother getting cozy with Elain inside the elevator, their ride from hell…

Cassian scratched his stubble, contemplating the recent changes in Azriel's behavior.

His stoic brother, who could not get along with any women introduced to him, scaring them away with his blunt remarks and cold indifference, had been uncharacteristically catering to the girl who used to eye-fuck Cassian from across the room, giving him sunny smiles and entertaining him with dirty jokes. Now her looks where few and further apart, Elain hiding her snort behind her hand instead of giving him a full belly laughter, avoid responding to his innuendos with something dirtier, as she usually would. An unexplainable queasiness twisted in his stomach.

“Speaking of being a man. You and Lainy,”

"Elain.” Azriel corrected with annoyance. “Her name is Elain, not this ridiculous nasal stretch you do.”

“You and Lainy are close now, huh.” Cassian repeated the nickname to spite him, tapping his fingers rhythmically on the arm rest. “Close enough for you to take her home… mouth fuck under the moonlight...”

“Jesus Christ.” Azriel rubbed his face, wishing to be anywhere but here. “Your vocabulary is superb Cass, keep it up.”

“What? You were the one dry humping the girl in front of everyone.”

“No one was dry humping, your sick fuck. I don’t know what you do in your relationship, but us, normal folks, we can kiss for the sake of it, no hidden agenda.” Azriel was not cut out for the lifestyle his brother led. To kiss and bed anyone without knowing where their mouths and body might have been before? No thank you. Hard pass.

“You seriously dating the girl?” Azriel nodded, once. Cassian snorted. “Bullshit. I never saw you with a single girlfriend.”

Azriel watched his brother, his restless hand. His brow furrowed. Were Cassian and Elain closer than he anticipated? He knew they were friends, but this. This was something else.

“I didn’t see you either, now look at you.” He eyed the shinning gold band on his brother finger. A commitment ring. Ten years and he couldn’t get Mor to even address him as her fucking boyfriend, but one month was apparently enough to date his brother and get a ring stuck in her finger. Her words, not his.

“People will notice.”

“Say it a regular ring. I’ll get you an inconspicuous one.”

“I can’t have a ring constantly stuck in my finger, Az, it will give me tan lines. People will notice.”

“It’s different. I’m chick magnet, didn’t had a girlfriend by choice, fucked plenty of them, tho." His smug was presumptuous. "You, on the other hand, I never saw you with anyone. Why now? Why her?”

Because Elain is capable of shutting my mind down, she rambles so much I can’t hear myself thinking, can’t think about girls I shouldn’t be thinking. Because Elain made a crazy suggestion when I needed a light. Because Elain is the first woman I enjoyed kissing in a long time. Because Elain doesn’t make me hate myself. Because I want to live like a normal man being loved by a normal woman.

Azriel didn’t voiced the answers. None of them were for his brother’s peace of mind. His deal with Elain was private, there was no need to explain the reasons that bound them to Cass.

“You are awfully interested in my girlfriend.”

“Can you blame me? We figured you’d be coming out of the closet any day now. Then puff, you appear with a girlfriend.”

Azriel glared at him.

“I’ve told you, I’m not gay.”

“Well, now I know that. Cousin Rhys will be thrilled to know he won.”

“You and Rhys made a bet on me?" Cassian grinned. "Assholes.”

Hell yeah he bet on him. Azriel had always been a weird kid, full of don’t-touch-me, all worried about wrinkles on his clothes. Plus, the fact that never introduced a single girl to them, never talked about hook up, or dates, or dalliances of any kind was very suspicious. Cassian sat straighter in his chair, an idea occurring to him.

“Wait. Is this one of those fake-dating situations? You and Rhys working together?”

Okay, Azriel had enough. His brother had nothing of important to discuss, and he had a lot of work to do. He collected his things and got up.

“Damn, little Lainy sure is a good actress. I didn’t know she had it in her.”

Azriel flipped his brother on his way out.

“Marino. For two.”

The girl behind the small reception desk checked her system, confirming Azriel’s reservation.

“Follow me, please.”

Elain and Azriel walked behind the petite receptionist as they quietly moved between the tables filled with families, co-workers, friends, couples. Elain looked down to their joined hands. Azriel had taken a hold of hers soon as they were out of the car, Elain stopping dead in her track.

“What are you doing?”

“Building intimacy.”

“Over here.” The girl lead them to a round table by the window.

Tall framed glass from floor to ceiling, gave them a perfect view of the garden where the structure was built around, a magnificent fountain shooting jets in the sky, water lilies floating unbothered. Azriel pulled her chair and Elain sat down, nervous butterflies beat their wings desperately in her stomach, trying to break free. The girl gave them a set of menus, politely explaining that a waitress would take over.

Elain glanced discreetly at the other tables, trying to figure if theirs was the only one without breadsticks or if this place was too fancy to give them free munchables.

“What?” Azriel asked, following her gaze.

“Breadsticks,” she muttered.

She must have given him glutton vibes, because his eyes crinkled with amusement.

“We can order some if you’d like.”

"You a regular?" He shook his head.

"First timer. Didn't seem appropriate to take you to places I know." Did he want to keep her like a dirty little secret? Would you look at that. Elain was opening her mouth when he said, "I don't want us to make memories in soiled land. I rather start fresh, just you and I."

Elain closed her mouth. Oh, that's actually thoughtful. Her ears pinked on the tips, Azriel returning his eyes to the menu, thick black lashes nearly brushing his cheeks. Elain spied his new haircut, the slight fade on the sides making the perfect shape of his ears stand out, the glossy waves on top combed back in a stylish manner. He looked particularly handsome tonight, reading the menu with the same keen attention he’d give to a report, as if analyzing steak options required a minuntious evaluation of each option presented. Elain got so lost studying him that when the waitress came, she was yet to choose an option.

Azriel made his order with mastery, adding a bottle of wine by the year. Elain was impressed. She generally chose her wine by category; red or white. She fumbled with the menu, grieving at the lack of breadstick or fries. The waitress took pity on her, helping her though the most requested dishes, asking for her preferences in meat, finding her the perfect dish to order.

When she was gone, Azriel said.

“I booked us a hotel.”

Elain gasped exaggeratedly, wrapping her arms around her chest in a fake show of modesty. “How dare you? I’ve told you I’ll marry a virgin!”

The table beside their, containing what appear to be a squad of girlfriends in a night out, threw them suspicious glances, whispering heatedly amongst themselves. Azriel rolled his eyes.

“For the RD Award.” He reminded her. Elain needed no remind, she knew exactly what he meant, and she had no interest in it right now.

“Noooooo.” she let out a long-suffering whine, making him frown.

“Did you want to do that?”

“Don’t talk to me, I’m in mourning.” She used the napkin in her lap to dab the corners of her eyes, fake hiccups to match her fake tear. “I can’t believe I’m dating a man who talks about work on a night out. Lord, why have you forsaken me!”

A couple of snickers could be heard from the next table. Azriel rubbed his neck to mask his embarrassment, because her taunt was reasonable. He’d done it out of habit, used to interact with Elain in work related matters.

Despite is energetic disposition when it came to fashion, Azriel was an introvert who didn’t have much interest in anything else. In the past decade his life could be resumed in two things: Marinos and her. Azriel didn’t like people, didn’t have many friends, didn’t left his house unless he was working, didn’t travel unless he wanted to see her. After having to spend five days a week interacting with his employees, giving orders, creating back-up plans, correcting mistakes and solving endless problems, Azriel was perfectly fine spending his free time napping, eating home-made food, nursing a glass while a documentary rolled on the tv. It's how he recharged his energy. And for the dating department…

Truth be told, Azriel was a little rusty on the dating department. On the rare dates he agreed to go, he didn’t have to speak much, the women pretty content in talking about themselves, batting their lashes at him, intrigued by his silence, which they interpreted as a bad boy persona. They've read him wrong. Azriel wasn’t a bad boy, he didn’t have spare energy to invest in being one. Most times he was simple exhausted, uninterested, heartbroken, trying to distract himself to not think about her, trying to forget the woman who wasn’t a good parameter for quality time either.

Her name still caused him pain.

Mor.

He avoided using it, addressing her by the full name when necessary.

When he was with her, he was her secret, and he had to remain just that, a secret. Back them Azriel did lots of confidential encounters, last minute trips to where she’d be modeling, booking extravagant hotels for the pleasure of her company, appealing to secluded resorts if he wanted to see her outside a room, because their outings consisted in gathering with her friends, fund raisings and galas. Non-committal events that wouldn't put her in a spot she didn't want, because God forbid they were out, let’s say, enjoying a good meal, and someone spotted them.

“Now is not the time. My sponsors don’t like this kind of public attention. You know how prissy they are.”

“I’ve signed a no-dating clause, Az. I’ve told you that.”

“Please, please take me back. I won’t sign the clauses anymore, I’ll demand freedom in my personal life. I’m famous now, they have to listen to me!”

“Stop pressuring me! You are making me look like a villain. Look at everything I’ve done for you! They could sue me for being with you. Is that what you want? For me to be sue? Shunned from the spotlight?!”

“I’m sorry, Az. I’m really sorry. I don’t want it anymore; I don’t want to be a model if I can’t have you. I love you. You are my life.”

Elain rapped her knuckles gently on the table, giving him a worried look.

“What are you thinking about?” she asked gently.

Azriel sipped his water.

“That you are correct.”

Elain doubted. His expression had turned a little wistful, his shoulders sagging slightly. She decided not to comment on it, taking his lead to move the subject forward.

Azriel watched Elain sat higher in her chair, smugness pouring out of her. “That’s usually the case, but I’m glad you are finally admitting.” Her napkin went back to her lap. "Keep that energy when you wake up in the morning."

Azriel chuckled.

In the past, Azriel had judged Elain an airhead. Her eccentric persona and taste for crude jokes was far to similar to his brother’s, who couldn’t read the room to save his life. Cassian though himself the guru of flirting, but his inappropriate conducts had often rendered complains, Azriel having to arrange anti-harassment lectures to please the chief of HR. Azriel thought Cass would outgrow this childish fascination with making people uncomfortable as he grow older. He thought wrong. Turns out age was nothing but fuel to his shameless brother.

That’s why Azriel was instantly peeved with Elain, who strolled in his life with swaggering confidence and a sharp remark for everything, deeming her a female version of the brother who gave him constant headaches. Azriel was wrong again, but this time he was please to be. Now the paid her more attention, Azriel noticed Elain didn’t carry the same arrogant obliviousness as Cass. She was witty, outspoken, brazen even, having no problem in standing up to herself or what she believed, but she only joked around those closer to her, using her humor to make people at ease, to let them know she cared for them.

Sparkling chocolate eyes smiled at him.

Empathy wasn’t something Azriel was used to. It made him lightheaded.

Elain watched Azriel place one hand on top of the table, palm up, wiggling his long sumptuous fingers at her, the bronzed moisturized skin gleaming under the fluorescent lights. “Have I told you how lovely you look today?”

The word “lovely” coming out of his sinuous lips was enough to have her heart doing cartwheels. Her heart was a tramp. The useless lump of overly excited muscle had no business trying to beat out of her chest when Elain had put an extra effort in her appearance today. Gone were her everyday jeans and t-shirt, replaced by an elegant sage lily dress, the elastic ruched fabric ending with small ruffles around her knees, her pearl colored flats matching the pearl clips keeping her curls behind her ears, small sparkling dot adorning them.

Elain planted her palm in his. “Are you implying I don’t look lovely on the other days?”

“Would you drop dead if you spent a day of your life without contradicting me?” His voice lacked the usually annoyed undertone, his thumb tracing the path of her knuckles.

“Guess you’ll never find out.”

Elain put her free hand down as he had done, asking for his other hand, mimicking the strokes he gave her. Damn, this man’s hands were smooth as a baby bottom!.. is the rest of him this soft? Her thoughts slipped in a dirty tangent.

“I like your shirt.” The material of his dress shirt stretched comfortably over his chest, draping over his powerful arms, to end carefully folded around his elbows, leaving his forearms bare in a way he rarely did. The last time she had seen him sporting such a casual disposition, he stole her breath away. Literally. Elain licked her lips, her voice lower. “Black looks good on you.”

His lips tugged in the corner. “It is my color.”

“It is," she agreed in a daze

A tranquil atmosphere settled over them.

“Can I tell you something?”

“Mmh.”

“I'm glad I kissed you.”

Now she was full on blushing, her cheeks growing incredibly hot, especially when he lifted her hand to his face and kiss her palm. So, Elain did what she do best to mask embarrassment. She cracked a joke.

“My, my. I didn’t know you had it so bad. Tell me mister, how long have you been in love with me?”

“I’m not.” Azriel kissed her other palm, his gaze so intense she squirmed in her chair. Under the artificial light his eyes were all hazel, the fleeks of green hiding, waiting for the sunlight to unravel. “But I intend to be.”

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